Tuesday, October 31, 2000
lameguy6: dont you?
StepheeJoy: have sex on the brain? no, not really. sorry.
lameguy6: i dont mean that is the way i have sex. i mean that right now i am thinking of having sex.
StepheeJoy: ok, that's the last straw...
later...
lameguy6: but then i may be using a strategy which i will eventually tell you about...
StepheeJoy: how exciting... i'm using a strategy called collect all the inane comments you can and then post them on my web page...
lameguy6: what is inane?
StepheeJoy: ha
for halloween my web page decided to dress up as something a little less cheesy and pink... something slightly more sophisticated and warm and cozy for this (brrrrrrrr) cold season that is closing in on us ever so rapidly.
the page might be up and down and inactive and messed up and other wonderful things over the next few days. i'm totally sorry. please forgive me. i'll all be worth it in the long run. i hope. i really really do.
for right now though, all is coming together nicely. my archives don't seem to want to join the in crowd and follow this new design trend... and a couple of the picture pages are also trapped temporarily in the hot pink stone ages... but that will all be ironed out before you know it.
Sunday, October 29, 2000
"how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?"
Friday, October 27, 2000
raise your hand if you have toy story 2 flannel sheets!
(you bet your ASS i'm raising my hand
i don't really ever use top sheets though, so i'm considering making the top sheet into, get this: FLANNEL TOY STORY 2 PAJAMA PANTS!!!! (yeah!)
Thursday, October 26, 2000
my goal for the semester is to get into mensa. (not to pass my classes or anything, mind you...)
and then the day comes when you wake up and realize you don't care anymore. you don't care how he's doing or who he's with. you don't care if he's happy and you don't care if he calls. you realize you probably never should have cared at all. afterall he lied. all the time. about nice things like drugs and crime. and he didn't trust you with his pain. and he never really cared much what you were thinking or feeling. he wasn't there for you... at least not willingly. he never once tried to stop you from storming away from an argument and he'd leave without looking back. and truth be told... he didn't have much 'stamina'... you know what i mean.
so he made you feel special, and he made you laugh, and he thought you were funny. so? he had the cutest smile, and the most perfect feet... and that belly... so what? so he was smart and taught you so many things. so what if he was perfection in your eyes... despite all the imperfection...
eventually you wake up and finally not-caring overpowers the memories. reminiscing about his smile doesn't make you cry. remembering how long it's been since you talked doesn't tie you up in knots. maybe you're over him...
almost.
Wednesday, October 25, 2000
you were sent here for a reason... you have a job to do. don't let the scum of humanity bring you down or distract your focus from your goals, and dreams, and all you are meant to be and do. don't let your obstacles intimidate you... don't let "all the forces of evil" make you forget who you are... what you are. you're magic.
Tuesday, October 24, 2000
please visit:
www.nfl.com (click on nfl for her -second to last button)
health.yahoo.com (click on the pink ribbon image)
these are both fundraisers for breast cancer awareness and research and just take a moment of your time.
everything works out ok in the end. if it's not ok, then it's not the end.
ivillage.com has a pretty cool questionaire you can fill out... it only takes a minute then it matches you with the presidential candidate who your views most resemble. very neat... though no surprises here!
Monday, October 23, 2000
today i pinched a little chunk of skin between a roll of dimes and the corner of a counter top... the roll of dimes was traveling toward the counter top at a high velocity when this occured. you should see my finger...
ooo! go here now!
Sunday, October 22, 2000
i'm trapped. i'm duck taped to a chair and i'm struggling to get free, but i can't and i'm losing my motivation to try. i'm helpless and i'm hopeless. i can fly, i know i can... i KNOW i can... but i can't get the tape of my wings, and my wrists, and i can't get free from this prison. i've struggled so long, and i'm tired now, and i just want to fall limp to the floor and lay here forever. it would be so much easier...
but the view would be better if i were flying.
Friday, October 20, 2000
ah... sweetest's day. why the following is still in my wallet we may never know... but we'll pretend it isn't two years old.
yes, that is a guy who is excited because he caught a mouse while fishing with cheese. my 'bbs handle' back in the day was mice... whatever.
yeah, so a year later, nearly to the day, my poor little heart was trampled. now, yet another year later... i have lived to tell you about it.
yeah for sweetest's day. any volunteers for this year?
if i were james dean i would have died less than three weeks ago. he would have been 45 years older than me... to the day. it feels weird that i have outlived james dean. maybe i've missed my chance to become a legend...
well, this beautiful smile didn't leave us 'til he was 25... so i still have time...
"vote freedom first. george w. bush"
uh? freedom of what? choice? no. i didn't think so.
and on another presidential note... gore and bush have both been doing spots on regis, letterman, etc. they both have even done some work for SNL i hear. now a dj i heard today has it just right... they aren't funny. no matter who wins it will be a long boring four years. face it, even if clinton did some questionable things during his presidency... at least he was funny.
Thursday, October 19, 2000
sara compared me to the old wise trash heap on fraggle rock today. how... sweet...
"oh great wise stephanie... when you are permitted the time, will you explain to me the harsh reality of life-- and why it seems to frequently go the opposite way that one would desire it to? and why the people who give and "fix" for others tend to fall into the pit of despair and then lose their stamina at a rapid rate? your guidance and experience would be much appreciated!!! i love you."
ah, poor disallusioned sara... it is simply your place on this earth to do do do and give give give. without you nothing would ever get done and everyone would be grumpy and the world would be a terrible place. but since you and all the others in the world just like you DO exist the world can go on in a peaceful and serene manner. sadly you'll never be fully appreciated in this lifetime... but take comfort in the fact that only people like you go down in history.
"let me repeat myself in saying that i love you"
i do what i can...
for the really daring. not sure i recommend it.
so, last night i had a relatively normal and less than exciting dream. but it was weird. it went a little something like this: (hit it!)
so i'm talking to an old friend about people we used to hang out with. we remembered one summer in particular and how there were four of us who did everything together. there were the two of us, and someone else... but we couldn't think of the fourth person...
'wait! it was andrea! remember andrea?'
oh yeah... now i remember andrea. i can picture her.
'yeah. she was cool.'
andrea... wait!? that was andrea spencer! what a small world...
then i woke up. it all made perfect sense to me at the time. but now all i know is that i had a dream about andrea in which she wasn't even present. apparently we are long lost friends. weird.
this is me needing a break from the web...
if you don't want to drive 10 mph over the speed limit, why are you in the fast lane!?!?
Wednesday, October 18, 2000
today i will call the x-boyfriend. he has caller id, and even if he is home, he won't take my call. but what can i say to his voice mail?
"hello, joseph. i'm so sorry i missed you. i'd love to speak with you. please feel free to call me at my mother's house. "
"hey, it's me. just wanted to see how you've been... call me if you want, but i don't think you will... so i'll try back later..."
"joe, it's steph... but you knew that because you have caller id... that's why you didn't pick up the phone. blah blah blah... call me back... or not"
"look, i don't want to talk to you anymore than you want to talk to me... but for some reason i feel compelled to further torture myself by annoying you til you yell at me and make me cry then you ignore me for a month or so then we can do this again... it's a date, alright?"
"blah blah blah x-girlfriend blah blah blah annoying bitch blah blah blah sleeping with anyone? blah blah blah i'll call you every five minutes until you pick up blah blah blah"
i opted to go with:
"hi, joe... it's steph. just wanted to say hi and see what you've been up to. um... you can give me a call if you want, i'm still at my mom's... otherwise, um... i guess i'll just try back later... so... bye"
damn, i'm good.
i mean, really where do i start? i have so excelled in college that they have asked me to stay on for yet a seventh year to continue my undergraduate research of social behavior...
i have every man in the greater lansing area completely intimidated and so in awe that none of them will even approach me for fear of the rejection they will almost certainly face...
in an effort to show off my 'soft', family values oriented side, i have broken the rockstar mold and moved in with my mother. this will strengthen bonds of families world wide, as i am of course, a role model for children of all ages...
rather than buy an expensive and exotic foreign car i have invested my money in an efficient american made vehicle. the fact that it only has three hub caps is just a matter of taste... it's like rolling one pant leg up...
i am in fact, way before my time.
Tuesday, October 17, 2000
lameguy5: and my homies, laying there in their graves with their bullet-ridden bodies molding away, will say, "damn, that mike dude is smooth.. i haven't had pepsi since someone busted a cap"
Sunday, October 15, 2000
ah ha! i have figured 'rr.com' out. turns out it is several kind folks, not just a really insane stalker visiting me like 5 times a day. i'm ever so flattered that among them is one of my web idols and you'll hear about the other guy all too soon. now whoever is out there on splitrock.net... well, they don't visit so often, the name just sticks out. i think i might know who it is... we'll see.
i see rr.com and splitrock.net in my web stats routinely. i wonder who it is that keeps coming back so often... is it you?
"Dear lord, I'm hot! I didn't notice that until this afternoon. ...I decided I would finally wash my hair so I could get the rest of the cut hair washed away. Anyway, as I looked in the mirror after I came back from the shower--I'm such a stud. Or an egotistical jerk. You make the call.**"
any single ladies in iowa? brian is 'hot' and he really needs to get out more...
** i didn't say he had any web skillz... i said he was 'hot'. don't be afraid of the design, or lackthereof... he's funny too.
i am deathly afraid of the dark. i'm afraid of not being able to see. i'm afraid of any situation where i can't see what might be coming at me... where i can't have my back safetly up against the wall... i'm afraid of not being able to be in control... to let others be in control.
but i'm so damn afraid to take control. i'm almost as afraid to succeed as i am to fail. i'm afraid to disappoint others, but i'm already disappointed in myself. i'm afraid no one will ever love me again, and i'm afraid i'll end up alone.
i know those are ordinary fears. but i'm afraid of being ordinary...
lameguy4: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
StepheeJoy: typing in all lower case letters...
Saturday, October 14, 2000
why didn't i find this sooner?
too bad i'm not the kind of girl who can really talk shit about an ex-boyfriend... unless i'm just really venting to a close friend or something. i always feel bad about stuff like that. maybe no one has ever quite pissed me off enough to deserve my eternal hatred... or maybe i'm way too forgiving and have doormat stamped across my forehead?
...State has a ridiculous schedule. But it also has a ridiculous team.
boo. i guess my cat's a badger fan.
my cat watches tv. she's a big michigan state football fan i guess, because right now she is sitting inches from the tv... watching the action very closely. her eyes follow the ball down the field... from over here i just see her fuzzy little head turning back and forth. just now some statistics popped up in the lower left corner of the screen... she turned to read them. she looked interested.
i hear the crowd rallying before the next play begins... i turn to see what's going on... she's pawing at the screen... undoubtedly showing her support.
go green. go white.
Friday, October 13, 2000
Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.
Thursday, October 12, 2000
man. this guy rocks my world. make sure you're using IE5 or you won't see much...
his design caught my eye, but turns out he has a lot to say as well.
today i was feeling a little too melancholic, trapped and generally blah for my own good. however, i found a cure:
1 mickey mouse hot chocolate mug (yellow)
7 pairs of .99¢ sunglasses (i'm an addict)
2 disney home videos (toy story & ts2)
1 country cd (dixie chicks)
3 colors of my favorite shirt (sale $6.99)
1 clearance old navy photo album (blue plaid)
1 mickey mouse baseball style t (50% off)
6 ponytail holders (for pigtail braids, of course)
grand total: $109.03
plus $13.01 for some overnight shi.... nevermind.
anyway, it was a productive day. i feel much better and i still haven't started my paper. wonderful!
so you've been dying to tell me what you think of my site, but just haven't had the guts to drop me a nice little e-mail? i understand. you aren't alone.
why don't you just glance to the right. see all those pretty little colorful boxes? those will let you rate my web site. just click on the box that corresponds with your love for my site. green, of course, is best.
those of you who haven't made it over to bloghop should check it out.
now click away...
andrea showed me her pie.
i found this e-mail message printed out and left on the kitchen table this morning with the attatched note:
You have just received the "POLISH VIRUS"!!!! As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Steph: is this a joke?
-Mom
hey you! no, not you... you. ok, ok... mostly bri, and maybe sara. check your PDD at the door or you'll regret reading the next message for days. i'm sorry to do this to you guys, but at least i'm warning you...
isolated. that's a good word that hadn't occurred to me yet.
since returning to the real world from my magical experience this summer i have felt nothing if not isolated. everything is different now. not only do i miss the fun and friends of this summer, but also things here have undesirably changed since last spring. my old friends and i never seem to connect, though a large preponderance of the blame for that is mine. also, rather than living with 25 of my best friends right downtown, i now live 15 miles away in my mother's basement. and to top it all off, the person that one year ago i hoped to grow old with... would apparently rather die than speak to me... let alone see me.
it all just sucks so much. the difference between this year and last.... even without the added element of the dreamlike summer that came and went too fast between these school years.
friendships mean everything to me. i am not a particularly independent person. i need a certain amount of closeness and belonging to survive. everything is already so hard for me right now without the additional uncertainty of who to turn to when i just can't go on. the tighter i hold on to the florida friends, the more isolated i become from people i know here at home... the more withdrawn i become from reality. but the more i reach out to old friends here, the more uncertain and lonely i feel.
even though i get unmatched fulfillment from the relationships i formed this summer, reality suggests i wean myself just a little from the incessant e-mails and daily chats. my head tells me i should spend less time in the fantasy land in my mind, and more time out on the town with old friends.
by my heart disagrees so thoroughly. it knows who my real friends are. it just turns out that long-distance best friendships are just as hard as long-distance relationships.
Wednesday, October 11, 2000
two of my most prized posessions are my poster sized map of the united states and my atlas. i think this stems from my love of road trips, but more specificly my frequent desire to just get up and go... wherever the road takes me.
i bought my huge map of the united states several years ago. i was sick of school and my whole existence. i withdrew from all of my classes and contemplated just getting in the car and driving away. i didn't know where i would go, but did it really matter? no. anywhere would be better than here. i would toss darts blindly at the map and imagine myself driving off into the sunset on my way to some random destination.
i ended up just changing my major and going back to school, but i have always kept that map handy. this evening the orange glow of the falling sun set the autumn leaves aflame and the crisp air beckoned me to keep driving as i rolled my window down. it was a beautiful driving weather, and i glanced down at my trusty atlas haphazardly thrown on the passenger side floor. i thought of the map, tucked safetly in a box at home, and mentally threw darts at it. i've got to get out of here. where should i go... close my eyes... toss the dart...
when i got home, i dug the poster sized map out of its hiding place. the temptation was strong, but a powerful thought hit me. i could throw a dart... see where it lands... fantasize about getting in the car and driving off to Random, Arizona... but what if... i just couldn't bring myself to do it.
the truth is, there are a couple places on that map i am afraid of. i'm terrified that i will open my eyes to find my dart piercing florida... or even iowa. that might be the straw that would break the camel's back and i'm not that strong.
nothing gives you a warm fuzzy feeling like catching a friend in the act... of being a friend. the little things are definitely what seperates the people who care about you from the people who tolerate you. here are some examples:
my friend andy never has a bad thing to say about me. he never puts me down. i am sarcastic to no end, as are most of my friends and we rip on eachother constantly... in an endearing way. sometimes the jokes do grow tiresome and cut too close to home. andy doesn't do that to me. he's a good friend.
sara asks me how i'm doing. i say fine. sara asks me how i'm really doing, knowing that we all too automatically say we are fine. she really wants to know how i am. she's a good friend.
brian corrects my horrid spelling when we are chatting. but he never points it out. he never makes me feel dumb... he simply responds using the same word in his own sentence... spelling it correctly... and never even mentioning my mistake. he's a good friend.
willy always supports me. that means so much to me... especially when he disagrees with me. he gives the best advice, but supports whatever decision i make... and assures me everything will work out fine. he's a good friend.
try catching your friends in the act... of being a friend. maybe more importantly, catch yourself in the act of being a good friend back to them. maybe you think the little teeny tiny things you do go unnoticed, but i bet they don't.
Tuesday, October 10, 2000
hey, kiddo... things ain't that bad... they could always be worse. you have a lot to be thankful for. you're smart and healthy and funny as hell, and whether you want to admit it or not, you DO have friends, and a lot of people who care about you. so school sucks... but if you weren't at school you wouldn't have been in the front row of kinnick stadium last saturday would you? if you weren't in college, would you have ever ended up on "the college program"? all the little things that suck are just the dues you have to pay for being so lucky, having such great experiences, and making such good friends. "without the lows, how would you recognize the highs?" right? right.
and as for ending up a pathetic and lonely little man... please. your self-confidence need not falter for even a moment, because you are an all-star. nice guys may finish last, but what no one told you is that life isn't a race to see who can finish first. you're smart, thoughtful, caring, enthusiastic, and down right hilarious... not to mention just plain adorable. and i'd like to think you know me way too well to think i'd just say that to boost your ego or make up for being the confidence crushing evil emperor i am.
now buck up and be thankful that at least you're not a sucklone
"i mean, if you're going to have sex at 14 it may as well be with a monkey."
-safari brian
Sunday, October 08, 2000
occasionally i say something worth remembering, but not often enough. those moments of insight were getting lost in the shuffle, so i created a list of some of my favorites. happy hunting.
ouch.
safari brian, i don't think you can be my favorite brian anymore... after your hawkeyes embarassed my spartans so. movie brian... looks like you're in luck! but wait. wright state beat my spartans in basketball of all things last year... that's clearly worse.
i'm so confused.
Saturday, October 07, 2000
hey. go here and vote for Dustin Smith as best lineman. he just missed it last week. come on. you know you want to vote for something that has no relevance to you at all. besides, i hear he really deserves it: a fumble recovery, 2 interceptions and 7 solo tackles. woohoo!
hi jordan and rachael!
lameguy3: SPARTANS RULE!
StepheeJoy: go green go white!
lameguy3: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
StepheeJoy: green and white
lameguy3: HECK YEAH! CAN YOU CHAT?
StepheeJoy: actually i think i'm going to go to bed soon. i have a football game to cheer for tomorrow, you know
lameguy3: YA I KNOW
StepheeJoy: we're gonna kick iowa's butt, right?
lameguy3: HELL YA
so there, brian. too bad the guy was a nincompoop.
lameguy3: WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE
StepheeJoy: a girl
lameguy3: HA HA WHAT DO YOU REALLY LOOK LIKE
StepheeJoy: i REALLY look like a girl. i swear.
Friday, October 06, 2000
I want a boy.
I want a boy with nice feet and a gap in his teeth.
I want a boy who is smarter than he lets on.
I want a boy who will learn to dance with me.
I want a boy who makes me laugh 'til I cry.
I want a boy who will let me cry 'til I laugh.
I want a boy who can crack my back.
I want a boy who won't go to bed angry.
I want a boy who will sit and people-watch with me.
I want a boy who will chase me if I storm away.
I want a boy who is confident and cocky.
I want a boy who will throw me down in the leaves.
I want a boy who can finish my sentences.
I want a boy who knows how to fix his own car.
I want a boy who knows when I need a hug.
I want a boy with a cute nose and funny ears.
I want a boy who will sing to me, even if not very well.
I want a boy who is tall and skinny and ticklish.
I want a boy who wears hooded sweatshirts.
I want a boy who wears old spice fresh scent deodorant in lieu of expensive cologne.
I want a boy who buries his face in my neck when he has something he is afraid to tell me.
so there.
oh. way. too. cute.
this guy bet his girlfriend that he could get 1,000,000 hits on his website by her birthday (dec. 16). if he is successful she has to marry him! (he already has over 900,000)
"make sure you know and trust your buddy"
-life lessons from AIM warning messages
oh yeah.
the hardest part about leaving florida this summer was leaving my new friends. i'd come to depend on them oh so much and we had literally become inseperable. there was so much i wanted to say... but at the same time: what can you say?
for example: i'm the kind of person who will wave goodbye 'til you have driven out of sight... an "indiana farewell" is what my parents called it when i was younger... i have no idea why. but when safari brian left (a week before i did) i couldn't say anything, and i certainly couldn't just watch as he drove away. i had to go back inside and sit around in my pajamas, not leaving the couch for about a day.
so, i went to iowa. i visited brian, and even rebekah. it was good fun. and i found that saying goodbye was much easier this time. because i knew it wasn't permenant. i mean, i knew i would still talk to bri virtually everyday, and i knew how easy it was to see him if i really needed to. thatmade me feel better. everything was swell.
until i got home. now all the "i miss you" has come back and i miss everyone just as much as i did when we first parted. we're trying to plan a reunion. what fun! it will be great, and we will think how easy it is to say goodbye this time... then we will all go home and crawl back into our pdd.
Thursday, October 05, 2000
lameguy2: i go to school work hang out when i can and play football and i have no women at this time long story
StepheeJoy: ok. does that long story have anything to do with your fear of punctuation?
"sometimes i feel too lazy to make a sandwich so i just eat some bread and cheese and turkey and make a sandwich in my mouth..."
-hilary sweitzer (youngest sister)
Wednesday, October 04, 2000
i added the 'phi mu' section of my photo pages. the pics there are old and kind of small, but i have bunches more to add, don't you worry. also, the road trip and camp pages are almost done. yippy!
also, i added 'just the facts' to the personal section.
b.t. from alabama continues:
computers can not have evil doubles, however a computer can be a person's evil double. now being a computer, it can't kill its "real" double to steal all of his/her powers, however, it can mess them up in computer or "virtual" world. so, keep your fingers crossed that your evil double is a computer... that way you know it won't kill you. unless you're an internet rockstar, then i guess it could mess you up pretty badly...
Tuesday, October 03, 2000
i am a fixer. i try to fix people. i don't always mean to do this, but the ex-boyfriend pointed it out to me once, and i see it now all the time. i want people to be happy. i want to help them. i always feel so glad when people share their troubles with me, even though i often feel awkward and don't know what to say or do... i try to help, whether they want me to or not.
and i'm also an open person. i am sometimes all to quick to tell share my deep dark secrets. but not my emotions and my troubles, and especially not my anxieties and pain. i am a fixer, but i don't allow myself to be fixed.
when joe and i first broke up, i didn't tell anyone, not even my best friends for almost two weeks. it's a combination of denial, not wanting to seem vulnerable, and not wanting to burden others with my problems... why should they care?
now, almost one year later, how do i turn to my friends and tell them how empty i am? or how much it still hurts? or how every time i'm alone i fight back tears? they don't want to hear that from me. i'm their fixer. i'm their clown. their comic relief. who would i tell anyway? and why bother? even I don't want to deal with the pain... why should they?
i guess in a way i have told some people now. i know who reads this. but don't bother asking if i'm ok, because i will smile and lie and tell you i'm fine. and i am. i'm no different than i have been for the last year. i'll live, empty or not.
so... whatever
hey, if you want to see a really gross web page and vote for something that has no relevance to my or your life, go here and vote for Dustin Smith as best lineman. It's a weekly poll, so make sure you go back next week too!
Monday, October 02, 2000
"without you i'm not ok. without you i've lost my way."
so, i'll preface this by saying i'm only a psuedo-wannabe country music fan. i'm not really big on the country scene, but i like music i can sing along to and relate to. lately, (i hate to admit it) i have been able to relate to country music more and more (i'm so pathetic)... but it's easier to admit that than admit i found myself really relating to michael bolton earlier tonight.
anyway: my new favorite song
without you - dixie chicks (2.5mb)
"death is way better than menstruation"
-safari brian
Sunday, October 01, 2000
haha! i'm in iowa! it's not flat. there are hills. but yes, lots of corn fields. and yes, gordon. it does appear to be a real state.
content 2000-2008 © stephanie sweitzer
